Art Babel Fish ©

“For Artists Only” is the invisible sign that hangs on the window of many art galleries and museums. It is the subtitle of many artistic publications. It is the small print at the bottom of your gallery invitation. Read between the lines and what do you find? The unspoken phrase, “For Artists Only”. Read on to find out how you can become a part of this elite club…

What you thought was just pretentious attitude is actually an entirely different language! Artists of every nationality are fluent in “Art Speak”, a highly sophisticated language known only to those who study, produce or buy art (or wear berets). This author recognizes the necessity of “Art Speak”; art is, after all, a higher calling. However, this form of communication can be intimidating to outsiders. Whereas art has the power to be wholly inclusive, “Art Speak” creates an atmosphere of exclusion.

In an effort to solve this problem, I have invented the “Art Babel Fish ©”. A free trial copy can be downloaded below. Simply, print the attached Art Babel Fish ©, cut it out and pin, tape, sew, glue, knit, stab or weld it onto your clothing. Multiple colors are available: please see the instructions for the free “Do-it-your-own-damn-self coloring job”.

Wearing this patented Art Babel Fish © allows you to instantly translate Art Speak into common English. For those of you with hearing or mental impairment, the Art Babel Fish © comes with a speaker function at no extra cost. Simply attach your fish onto the clothing of a dear, but outspoken and eccentric friend and “viola!” – your friend will instantly be transformed into an Art Speak translator.

But don’t take my word for it, read the testimonials of recent users…

The Art Babel Fish © saved my life and possibly my career as an artist. It helped me navigate the complex social world of a very important art opening. Here I was, surrounded by a multitude of very prominent artists. I opened my mouth to praise this large blue painting of a lake. At that very moment, the person next to me remarked “Well, I can appreciate this painting”. My Art Babel Fish © instantly translated this to mean, “I absolutely hate this worthless, giant, blue, waste of paint (I mean, my 5 year old could have done a better job), but I can image that it might have made some minute contribution to the contemporary art world.” If it hadn’t been for the Art Babel Fish ©, I might have been the laughing stock of the entire gallery. Thanks Art Babel Fish ©!

and again…

I’ve learned so much since I started wearing the Art Babbel Fish © and it has saved me from making some very bad art investments! For example, at a recent show, I overheard an artist describing his work: “My art is about the metaphysical reality of existence and the implications of our human imprint on the universe”. My Art Babel Fish © told me that he really meant “I like to paint pretty swirls of color when I’m stoned. I still can’t believe you suckers actually buy this crap”. Unfortunately, my Art Babel Fish © was on speaker mode at the time….

Download your trial offer today! (click link below):

Art Babel Fish ©

Surgeon General’s Warning: Caution. Art Babel Fish © might cause offense, outbursts in public places, holes in your clothing or premature loss of respect.

Coming Soon… Music Babel Fish!